I'm relieved to report that Alpha Papa is brilliant - I sat in the cinema on my own and laughed like a drain. Fortunately, like Alan, my nostrils were clear.

All by yourself ?

Unaccompanied - there were other patrons, but they were nothing to do with me; I was, if you will, a party of one.

I actually prefer going to the cinema alone - it seems a pointless thing to do in a group since you can't talk, and the more people I am with, the more chance there is that one of them will do something annoying, like speak, rustle a bag of sweets or start texting or updating Facebook.

I really need my own cinema.

When I went to see it with one of my mates the other week, he was on WhatsApp for almost the whole film. I was on the verge of grabbing the phone and smacking him over the head with it at one point, especially when he then thrust his phone in front of me and tried to get me to read a message!

I really enjoyed Alpha Papa. Obviously it wasn't going to come close to the TV series so it would be unfair to compare it to that, but I laughed a lot more than I usually do in the cinema.

Unacceptable behaviour - you should have had him removed.