I was once faced with a nine hour transatlantic flight with THE most hyperactive 5 year old daughter in the world, as I sat in the departure lounge at Gatwick watching her trying to climb into the ornamental fountain for the eighth time the solution suddenly appeared before me in a blinding light that read "Dixons Electrical". I bought her a Gameboy with three games, the best £100 I ever spent, we couldn't get it off her for months and her teachers complained incessantly about her playing with it when she returned to school but that was their problem not mine.

If that fails then you could introduce your niece to the cupboard under the stairs, if Harry Potter has achieved one thing amongst children its the belief that locking them in the cupboard under the stairs is no longer reportable to Child Protection Agencies.

Thank you. In times of financial prudence, the Harry Potter method will probably be my initial method.

This thread will go places.

It already has Bang lad, Buying the latest games console for £100 or less is the way forward for any babysitter with hyperactive kids!

Dear Mr Field, I am feeling (lethargic, sick and headache) unwell. What is the best cure?

Dear Uncle McLaren

What medication do I need to take before heading to the Tyne area at the end of the week?

Well you wont need to take any afterwards, not a chance of you getting any form of STI.

A few days hard graft doesn't do any harm Damo.

Who appointed you as Mr Fields alternative voice piece. Self-appointed was it?

To the trampoline Batman...

Ah, now you're on my specialist subject.

First, a true story - when I was working in the construction industry in the late 70s in and around the Tyneside area the concept of Health and safety on building sites existed only in the phrase "Don't walk too close to the edge of the scaffolding" but we once did a contract to build the ferry landings on both sides of the Tyne at North and South Shields - only on that site did I ever see a Health and Safety officer and it was his job to check the vaccination certificates of every worker on the site to make sure that as a minimum you had tetanus and typhoid innoculations. It was also his job to get the ambulance to attend to anyone who fell in the river as even if you were dragged out ok you had to have a period in an isolation ward to see what would develop.

They say that salmon now swim merrily up the Tyne but I suspect that they are the salmon that have had their tetanus and typhoid innoculations, so start with those and don't touch any women in the Bigg Market unless you have those as a minimum.

You should also learn a few key phrases to help you along...

"A broon" is all you need to order beer, don't ever ask for "A pint o'broon" for that will immediately mark you as an interloper, "A broon" is the phrase and you will be handed a bottle, don't ask for a glass or a straw for you are again a marked man if you do - drink it from the bottle and pretend that you are liking the experience, you won't be because its f'kin awful stuff, stand next to a potted plant and dispose of it slowly when people are distracted.

"Ah divvent kna man" is a catch-all get-out phrase if any native approaches you and says something intelligible (like every time a native approaches you), "Ah divvent kna man" is a disclosure that you understood what they were saying (even if you didn't) but you do not have the answer to their question.

Do not take offence if anyone compares you to a large garden vegetable for "Marra" is the word for a casual aquaintence, if a seven foot tall twenty stone slab of Geordie puts his arms around you and states that you are his "marra" then no matter how drunk he is just nod your head and concede the fact that you're going home with him tonight for fish and chips and his wife is going to butter some bread and make a pot of tea for you.

Never finish a sentence without the word "man" unless you are in Ashington in which case the word is "but" - "Whey ah divvent kna man" is acceptable around the Tyne which changes to "Whey ah divvent kna, but" when you venture north of Blyth, don't get it the wrong way around for trouble will follow you all night long if you do.

And finally, do not speak of Sunderland, ever.

So, Mr McLaren,

My Mum & Dad split up about a year and a half ago and I have always maintained that I do not wish to meet the "bloke" that my Mum did a runner with.

So yesterday, I rings her up and tells her that i'll be about 2mins before I get to her house. Enough warning and I was only dropping in. I get there to find he is stood outside "waiting for his taxi".

Now, i passed the bits i was dropping off at my Mums and said bye and walked off and I have told her why I have reacted like that. She then gave me some spiel about not hiding this bloke away and that she has nothing to be sorry for.

How do I get her to realise what she did was wrong?

TIA.

Man up

In all seriousness and to quote Paul Simon - "The problem is all inside your head".

Its a big tough world out here and human relationships are difficult affairs, your mum is right, she has no need to hide her bloke away from you unless you are only five years old and if she feels that she has nothing to be sorry for then that is your signal that she didn't get along with your dad as well as you think she did and you aren't ever going to change that.

You've made your point about how you feel, she knows how you feel, cutting short your visit just because something didn't suit you is being a drama queen - just get on with it and be thankful that you've still got two parents to throw a hissy fit over.




PS - I am not the other bloke, I just thought everyone should know that.

Effectively you are saying that you gave the bloke two minutes notice to get out of his own home so that you could visit?