This is actually a very simple one and a situation that I speak from experience in.

You should organise a night out with the lads on christmas eve but before that go through the motions of preparing the dinner for the morrow, you don't actually have to do anything but just look as though you are, so write lots of notes, invent some cooking times, "turkey four hours" that sort of thing, and then assure the little lady that you have it all in hand and your xmas dinner for 12 is safe in your hands.

The next bit is optional - you have to be, or appear to be, absolutely blathered when you return from the pub on xmas eve - a paper hat skewed on your head, tinsel around your neck and kiss marks on your cheeks will help, staggering around the kitchen knocking pots and pans on the floor is always a good indicator and speaking in an intelligible garble is a must, finally ask where she's hidden the cooking sherry as you wish to finish off with a nightcap.

Or alternatively get absolutely blathered for real and let nature take its course.

Now the important bit - on christmas day you must not arise from your bed at all before noon, laying with a pillow over your head and groaning will help greatly as will mumbling "Never again" or "ooooooooooooo my head" and at the critical moment "I am so sorry my dear but my current incapacitation through over-indulgence will mean that I am unable to fulfil my chef duties for your dear family - but everything is prepared for you downstairs so could you see to it and then bring me up an alka-seltzer there's a good girl"

Your recovery will of course be miraculous and in time for the noon opening time and on your return from the pub you will assure her that you only partook of mineral water as you were so looking forward to her cooking.

Be warned, for there is a man-trap waiting for you here though - do not under any circumstances then go out and get blathered on the xmas day lunchtime session for upon your return she will see right through the subterfuge and the serving of divorce papers will be customary on Boxing Day - and its embarrassing when that happens live on the big screen at Headingley.

That last bit will cost you £125 this year too...

I am now typing with my nose. They took me away to the funny farm and I’m surprise they have computers in these places. It certainly explains some people who frequent the internet!

What bit? The divorce or the boxing day visit to headingley?!

Ignore him, he knows not what he speaks of, it'll cost your wife £125 to serve the divorce papers to you via the big screen at Headingley which will come out of her share of the house so more fool her, just remember this - leave all of your christmas gift booze at home when you go to the pub on xmas day lunchtime, pub prices are especially designed to make it impossible to get drunk on, they've thought this through you know.

Dear McFlurry, is this thread the spawn of our conversations about mayo?

I do believe it was, and of course your Mayo life issue reached a successful conclusion due to us discussing the psychology behind wimmin shopping although you didn't have to use the final "Hiding in a cupboard with a frying pan" sanction - its still worth bearing that in mind though.

dear mcf

why wasn't ray in the nolans family fortunes team

Have you seen the size of their family ?

And theres more of them than the usual suspects that you see on TV as well.

I'm going to name drop here now and as you all know, I rarely do this, but the last time I was in the same room as an Ensemble de Nolan I happened to mention that I'd seen one of them in Blood Brothers at The Grand in Leeds.

"Oh which one of us was it ?" several voices replied in harmony

I stammered and stuttered as I glanced from one Mrs Johnstone to another, and another, and another - it was like looking at an array of Stepford Wives, a multitude of Willy Russell inspired middle aged women all fighting for the same part, "Tell me its not true!" I blurted out and just pointed at any one of them at random.

"Ah she wasn't the best" the others chanted together and I left before the cat fight started.

I’m in correspondence with my local MP and he has no grasp of reality whatsoever. Mr Field, I’m considering inviting him to spend a day with me. Other than Cash converters, the job centre and the local charity shops – where do you recommend that I take him?

"To the trampoline Batman"

Whilst I understand this is a late post, could you please advise me of how to escape my predicament.

Its my wedding anniversary tomorrow and whilst I have bought the required card, the present was a trip to a Zoo or Safari Park. Living in South Wales and the nearest park or zoo that my wife wishes to be taken to is some 60 miles away, how do I convince her that watching the Challenge Cup between the bitterest of local rivals on the BBC is a better option?

I sometimes despair of these sort of situations for without women in the world the need to "celebrate" such things as wedding anniversaries would not exist, if women only had the same mindset as men then you would be wed in one year and instantly forget the date forever more, its no coincidence that the woman who is currently legally bound to my wallet actually chose my own birthday for us to get married on, I cannot imagine such a cruel thing being allowed under Human Right Legislation these days but back in 1983 there was no-one around to rescue me.

Fact is I have ignored the wedding anniversary side of things on 17th September for every year since, of course it has led to some very unpleasant scenes on my birthday every year since especially when I get to open lots of birthday cards and she finds that yet again there is no "Happy Anniversary Darling" card for her.

I greet the usual berating of me with a shrug of the shoulders and "Are you telling me that an anniversary can eclipse a birthday ?" and we usually go off on our annual philosophical conference on which date is the most important, it usually ends with me being called "...an ignorant c**t" and weeks of silence follow - so a result all round then, I cannot tell you the number of birthdays that I have spent on my own in silence, its ace.

So my advice to you is to simply not acknowledge the day at all, creep out to the wheelie bin tonight and get rid of the card, awake in the morning as if its just a normal Saturday, go about your normal Saturday routine, she will go along with it at first because she'll think its a ruse, a jest, a way to spring a surprise and she will not want to spoil it for herself - I reckon you can probably stretch it so far as the second half of the BBC coverage before the penny drops that you've forgotten the anniversary, you might even get to the bit where Claire Balding gets to talk to Nobby about his diminutive stature again before your wife crosses her arms in front of her busom in that classical women "Now I'm going to kick someones a[ir[/ise" mode and says "Haven't we forgotten something ?"

This is not the moment to weaken, here is where you turn your head slowly to look deep into her eyes and say, "Can you move to the left a little, I can't see all of Claire Baldings chin, theres a good girl".

The casualty department will generally lend you crutches and sign you a sick note for a few days.

you have my upmost sympathy.... and at least there is someone else in the same club as me.

Dear Mr Field .
Are you sitting comfortably ?
Yes ..
Then I shall begin .

Today (well , actually yesterday as it is now Saturday ) was a wonderful day . It was pay day , Mrs BR went to lunch in the Civic Hall with the Lord Mayor , My boss went on holiday , and the Rhinos went through to the next round of the Callenge Cup .

Everything going ok so far ain't it .

BUT ...

Half a mile from home in the car and the phones start ringing . Apparently my street is swarming with police officers and there are amulances and paramedics etc allover the street .
Foot went down hard on the pedal to get me home a little faster . When I arrived at the end of the street I couldn't park near the house because the street was blocked by vehicles with flashing blue lights . A helpful police officer said the problem was at the house with all the lights on and we couldn't go any further . I explained that I was going in that house because my kids were inside it , it is my house .
Anyway . I was eventually allowed through and entered the house . Made my way through all the uniforms , and found a lady who I consider to be my litle sister sat on my sofa . I didn't recognise her at first because she had been beaten unrecognisable by her husband . She had made the uniforms bring her and her three small girls to my house so the girls would be somewhere safe while she was taken to hospital .
Got the kids settled , and after lots of hugs and tears she was taken away .
Police later brought me the keys to her house so I can let SOCO in tomorrow morning .When I asked how she is doing they said she is bleeding out of her ears .
They just been back a few minutes ago to collect the keys because her condition has worsened and it is not blood , but some other kind of fluid coming out . She might not make it through the night and her house is been treated as a serious incident/possible murder scene . It seems so surreal after she had been sat on my sofa talking just prior to her getting in the ambulance .
So . I now have my two kids , her three kids , and Mrs BR upstairs asleep and I am on the sofa with the dog .

I am writing to you in the hope that you can advise me on the following problem I now have . If the husband comes knocking on my door asking to see his kids what would you consider to be an acceptable level of injuries for him to sustain when 'he attacks me and I have to defend myself' ?

By the way . They had split up a few weeks ago . Tonight he asked her to take him back and told her he loves her . She said no . And he apparently didn't like her reply . There was no mention of cakes , or his tea not been on the table when he got home .