As with all things its important to get the ground rules established before going forward in life, even for millionaires living in rough areas, its still important.

For instance, many years ago I established precedence by taking my birthday off as holiday and I still do to this day, the fact that its also my wedding anniversary has become an irrelevance as its now known globally as "My Birthday Holiday", nothing else is allowed to eclipse this, why even on our 25th wedding anniversary I took her out for "My birthday meal" and I bought myself a present of a nice watch while we were out.

None of this would have been possible had I not had to endure years of anguish, toil and grief from herself when I repeatedly ignored our wedding anniversary in favour of my birthday and I sense from the very fact of you having to ask the question that it is "Her" who is questioning the need for you to celebrate your birthday twice, you need to nip this quickly in the bud and inform her that its always been the custom for you to celebrate your birthday for a whole week of going out to the pub with your mates and you have no intention of letting your mates down, who even now are waiting to recommence the birthday celebrations.

Before she has the time to construct a half decent argument tell her to "Chop chop and get your coat on, you're driving", giving her an approximate time to return and pick you up.

It will be much easier next year, believe me.

Good day Mr Field!

I have been invited to a jazz night at the end of this month. Other than the [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHy7DGLTt8gEpic Sax Guy[/url, I don’t like Jazz music at all. How do I decline the invitation?

This is a difficult one young Damo.

Under normal circumstances and for anyone else I would simply say "Tell them that you have another appointment on your calendar for that date" but of course everyone knows that your calendar is as empty as the Chancellor of the Exchequers Fund for Absolutely Necessary Public Services, if you said that you had another appointment on that night, or even in that month then we'd hear the laughter from here in sunny LS16.

I think what you need to do is to start to p1ss off your hosts right now, I'd suggest that you take up the wearing of a black beret at a jaunty angle, grow a goatee beard and bushy eyebrows, wear a black turtle neck pullover at all times with black trousers and reply to every question with "Yeah, man", smoke a cigarette theatrically and with the use of a long cigarette holder, draw deeply on it and then hold it at face level but away from your face while easing out a "Thats jazz, man" in a dreamy, smoky voice - even when queueing at the supermarket.

Refuse to drink beer and insist on a tall glass of absynth or pernod and a carafe of water, start to utter random phrases to strangers such as "Now you has jazz" or "Mmmmmmm, that Coltrane makes his stick, lick", call your mother "chick" and call your pretend girlfriend "momma" and if all else fails lay down in a gutter outside your local pub at closing time and scat in the style of Roy Castle.

If you work hard you'll find that your host will be ringing you within a couple of days to tell you that unfortunately the event has been cancelled even when it hasn't really and that he doesn't know when the next one is even though he does really.

Wheels, you should have given me a shout on Saturday night, I was a Kinsley dogs too, and managed to pick 5 winners out of 13. I was quite proud of myself, although the last few races were a blur as I think I had spent my winnings by that time on booze !

Why is it when you win at the dogs, you insist on buying the people you are with a drink, just because you back a winner ? "Oh don't worry, I'll get these with my winnings"............"oh well in that case it's tequila shots all around".

I'm never doing it again !

The secret to this is to visit a racing establishment where Honest Maurice the Flambouyant Flying Bookie of Wigan plys his trade, I recommend Doncaster Nags as one place that he frequents, others might suggest a more public and convenient place but we are straying away from the point in question.

You need to place a bet with Honest Mo and retain the slip, to be produced at a future time and date at a venue where your nag or dog has just brought home the spoils and when your mates all turn to you with the gambling mans refrain of "Your winnings, your round, double shots..." you simply wave the slip in the air, keep a long face and declare, "fraid not lads, for I placed my wager with Honest Mo..." and they will all instantly understand, in fact so deep will be their understanding that they may even buy you a drink whilst growling in the direction of Honest Mo.

I feel that I have now gained a much more insightful insight into this world that we live in.

....into this world in which we live.
HTH

Ah, I see that you adhere to the view that a preposition is something you shouldn't end a sentence with.




Churchill said that ending a sentence with a preposition was something up with which he would not put.

Personally, I see no harm in it.

Indeed, or Damo could have saved himself by putting "..into this world we inhabit."
I just wanted it to be a change from "being" etc.

Dear McF. How did you rise through the ranks to mod overlord?

I bribed my way and used false ID, I have found this to be an excellent way to conduct oneself in most awkward and/or professional situations.