Hardaker opens up about his demons

ZAK Hardaker’s life was spiralling out of control. His world had become “pretty dark”. He sat for days alone in his house with just bottles of alcohol keeping him company, refusing to go to training.
Prescription drugs became an issue and Hardaker was now a shadow of the man who had months before won England’s Man of Steel as the best player in the English Super League, and had led Leeds to premiership success.
For so long Hardaker has bottled up his emotions. Forced to wear the stigma surrounded by an untimely exit for Leeds, as he sought refuge in Australia and the Panthers. But in a heartfelt interview
Panthers import Zak Hardaker left England after struggling through a “dark” time.
Hardaker reveals how the loss of an unborn baby by his ex-partner had led to his world shutting down.
“My life became a bit of a blur to be honest,” Hardaker said. “It was a difficult period for me. It got pretty dark. I was having problems with my girlfriend at the time. It was tough.
“I didn’t cope with it too well. I didn’t know what to do. I sat myself in a little corner and didn’t move for a week. It was a dark time. If there is anything I’ve learnt, there is more to life than the bottom of a drink.”
Hardaker’s problems were exacerbated by the use of prescription drugs. While adamant illicit drugs were not used, Hardaker admitted to mixing alcohol with diazepam, a muscle relaxant, and tramadol, a pain reliever.
“That’s all it was,” Hardaker said. “Mix it with alcohol it doesn’t go too well. I learnt the hard way.”
Hardaker has found a new lease of life at Penrith.
Naturally as his world crumbled his football suffered. Hardaker was burdened with recapturing the form which set the competition alight last year. But as his performances dwindled so did that of a Leeds team who slumped to the bottom of the ladder, winning just four of the 12 games Hardaker played this year.
“People kept asking me what was wrong with my performance but I didn’t think I was doing too bad,” Hardaker said.
“But the year before I was so good. I didn’t realise how big of a difference it was. I was going to training and not being the same bloke. I’m quite a happy chap, and play up to people and smile. For a good month or two I was not myself and people noticed.
“I spoke to (coach) Brian (McDermott). I don’t know if he was fully aware of what was happening, and neither were the boys. I rang him up one day and said I wasn’t coming in. I didn’t want to turn up in some kind of state. So I sat at home. I don’t think I came in for three or four days.
“I got a head knock the week before so I wasn’t going to be playing, so I must’ve thought it was an opportunity to loosen up.
“It got to the point where I didn’t want to go to training. I didn’t want to play any more. It was bad. I was in a hole.”
A relationship breakup and living on his own made Hardaker feel isolated. He spoke with a psychiatrist who helped turn his life around.
“You need to get it off your chest,” Hardaker said. “Someone who had some ideas on how to help you. It was brilliant for me. He saw progression in me in just two weeks. From there I’ve pushed a few things away and embraced others.
“I lived with my mum and stepdad until I was about 22-23. Mum knew me inside and out. If I walked downstairs she’d know if I didn’t have a good nights sleep. She is a good judge of character. Being on my own and being secluded, you don’t talk to anyone.
“You live and learn and if you’re happy off the pitch it does reflect on it.”
Hardaker’s life had turnaround before he moved to the Panthers. It was a frank discussion with McDermott which instigated the move. Hardaker was told by the coach that he had lost his stranglehold on the No.1 jersey, with McDermott wanting to push youngster Liam Sutcliffe to fullback.
“Playing for Leeds was brilliant,” Hardaker said. “Leaving had nothing to do with Leeds. It was people where I lived. It’s a bit of a dog-eat-dog world and if people don’t like you, they just tell you and there isn’t much you could do about it.
“I got fed up and wanted a change and challenge. I had to come away. It’s not the ideal thing but I needed to get out of the way and come out here. The reason I didn’t stay was I wanted to help out the team. I wanted to stay but once Brian told me that I thought it was a good chance to leave and coming to Penrith was a no-brainer.”
Hardaker has been able to learn from his experiences.
Settled in just five minutes from Penrith’s home ground, Hardaker’s smile has returned. He is contracted to return to Leeds at the end of this season and remains committed to return unless another opportunity NRL opportunity arises.
Despite starring in England, he has spent the bulk of his six games sitting on the interchange bench.
“I’m used to playing 80 minutes so it’s a different role but I understood the role I would be playing before I came out,” Hardaker said. “It’s not a shock to me. Life is a different kind of pace to back home.
“I’ve come out of everything a lot stronger. I’ve cracked on with life with a smile on my face. I’m only 24 and I’ve made some mistakes but it’s about learning from them. It’s not an ideal thing to go through but it’s something that’s happened.”