Hey Mac, what's an approved cure for screaming kids on public transport?

Is that what you're using to sort your shoulder/arm/hand out?

There used to be a perfect solution when the buses had open platforms at the back - you could throw them off, preferably while the bus was moving.

These days I understand that buses have doors that only the driver can open, mores the pity, so given that you can't just dump them off the platform into the face of following traffic I would suggest something a little more subtle -scare the out of them, have you ever seen a little kid who has had the scared out of them - they don't make another murmur, sometimes not for months.

I suggest fire eating.

Carry a small bottle of methylated spirits and a bic lighter at all times, and always sit at the front of the bus - if any kids start to play up behind you its then so much easier to take a gobfull of meths then turn to face them and advance down the bus before igniting a huge fireball of fumes - if you can spray it down your nose then even better.

The kids won't speak for years, they'll be in therapy until they're pensioners.

I wish. Port and brandy is a final solution to my problem i suppose, albeit it comes with a downside that wont be able to stand up, see straight or have any form of useful motor functions.

I would take that over Karvol capsules any day.

The suppository option on that capsule hits the spot.

You get a sore throat in your a[irs[/ie ?

Hmmm, well it certainly opens the channel.

I'll flag it with my pervy GP next time.

Mr Field,

I’ve just received an email confirming Rob Da Bank finds me hilarious. What do I tweet him?

Edit:

The medical term is proctopharyngitis and it's a common ailment amongst many habitual users of internet forums. Recent research suggests that a sore throat in your a[irs[/ie can be caused by talking out of it too often.

Well I never, does the TCP burn when you gargle it ?