Didn't they use the first one for an episode of CSI? I'm sure I've seen a program where they found the body of a diver up a tree in the midst of a brush fire.

If the great battles of history were fought today - how would we win? Health and safety and all the other that go with it, gives us a totally different view of the proceedings - here's one example of H&S applied to just one of our greatest heroes - Admiral Lord Nelson. Enjoy

The Battle of Trafalgar 2004

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."

Quote: Good enuf to play for Fax "THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Quote: Good enuf to play for Fax "THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.

Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: " Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup."

On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!

The Game and the Scoring Point System:
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow.....+8
But return with beer.....-5 and no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay,it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, It doesn't matter, you have one too......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account with £5,000,000. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . (takes a breath) .. and and invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again, replied, "Sniff, sniff .. A prostitute Dad! .

Sniff, sniff ..."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

I hear we have signed Prince Harry,




he is going to play right wing

One from the Old Joke's Home that someone sent me today

What do you call a Russian prostitute?
Onya Backyabitch

what do you call a Russian Transexual?

Iva Cockoff.

dunno if this un been on but i thought it were funny anyway so here it is....


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b**tards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! ..... and all of you b**tards who are getting on, get your a**e in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

For those who enjoyed Tommy's contribution you may enjoy this!

rlhttp://boards.rlfans.com/viewtopic.php?t

Husband Superstore......

Recently a “Husband Super Store� opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.� The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?� So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.� “Hmmm,� said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?�

Third floor
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework.� “Wow,� said the women,
�Very tempting.� But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.� “Oh, mercy me,� they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs.�

A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter’s flatmate
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between peter and his flatmate than met the
eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, peter volunteered, "i know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & i are just flatmates.

About a week later, Simon came to peter saying,� ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?" "well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure,"
said peter, so he sat down and wrote:

dear mother, I’m not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my
house, I’m not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love peter

several days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

dear son, I’m not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love
mum

lesson of the day: don't ever lie to your mother (she always, always finds
out)