Diary of a Snowy Christmas.

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the pavements. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the pavements and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and pavements. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x40. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a tip and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plough driver is suing me for a
million quid for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY
.... Check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio,
his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the
engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into
gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars,
was dragged along as it burst through the glass
patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to
find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle,
and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs
to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the
wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it
outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into
the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned
home, looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the
bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped
the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the
kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor
with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks,
legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics
carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told
them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tilting
the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale
ate them both.
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Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all
two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
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What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?