What do you call a Nun sitting on a washing machine?

Sister Matic

Is a midget fortune teller who has escaped from prison a small medium at large?

the blond and the tramp

A blond was out walking when she sees a tramp sat asking for money.

she walks over and passes him some money and notices he has L and R written on his shoes.

she looks at the tramp with a puzzled look on her face and askes "why do you have L and R on your shoes?"

to which the tramp replies "so i know which shoe to put on which foot"

to this the blond then replies "thats why my nickers say C & A"

Subject: The black dragon

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"

A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means and with a red face asks the vet to elaborate. The vet tells the farmer that he will have to inseminate them himself. The farmer asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.



The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.



The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.



"No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."

I promised myself not to post a at any of these jokes but I really had to at that one!!! Here's mine:

Two gays are dancing together in a nightclub.

The one turns to the other and says: “Why are you getting an erection?�

To which he replied: “coz you dance like an ar$ehole.�

A visiting professor at Castleford Technical College is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"

I see on the front page of today's "Courier" that the Ripper has met a womean inside who he wants to marry.

Just hope that they don't all get hammered at the reception.

A hillbilly woman takes a bus trip north to visit her sister in the big city. While waiting for her sister to pick her up, she asks a group of women sitting near her, "Where y'all from?"
One of the women says, "Were from someplace where we don't end our sentences in prepositions."
"O.K.," responds the hillbilly. "Where y'all from, bitch?"

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.


Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.


They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.


Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."


The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

The Yorkshire Ripper walked into a bar with a young lady and ordered a pint of lager.
"Can I have a Cinzano" said the girl
"No you'll have a screwdriver like the rest of them".

David Beckham came home one day to find his wife puffing and panting on the bed.

"What's the matter, Princess?" he says.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," she replies.

Beckham dashed off to phone an ambulance only to have his son tugging at his trousers.

"What's up, Brooklyn?" he asks.

"Daddy, Ryan Giggs is in Mummy's wardrobe with no clothes on."

In a rage Beckham races into the bedroom and yanks open the wardrobe door.

"You're a complete w@nker Giggsy," he screams. "I thought you were a mate of mine. The wife's in agony and all you can do is hang around in the wardrobe instead of helping her.....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke in to hundreds of little pieces on the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door.He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree., very cheerfully she said , "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where should I stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ Climbing Frame" Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again.
What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sand pit for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the climbing frame, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sand pit, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.


His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him".

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

I am really sorry for that - honest