HAIRCUT

A GUY STUCK HIS HEAD INTO A BARBER SHOP AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I
CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP FULL OF CUSTOMERS AND SAID, "ABOUT
TWO HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A FEW DAYS LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE
DOOR
AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?" THE BARBER LOOKED
AROUND AT THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT THREE HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A WEEK LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE SHOP
AND
ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT AN HOUR AND A
HALF."

THE GUY LEFT. THE BARBER TURNED TO A FRIEND AND SAID, "HEY, BILL, DO
ME A FAVOR.

FOLLOW THAT GUY AND SEE WHERE HE GOES. HE KEEPS ASKING HOW LONG HE HAS
TO WAIT FOR A HAIRCUT, BUT THEN HE DOESN'T EVER COME BACK."

A LITTLE WHILE LATER BILL RETURNED TO THE SHOP, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

THE BARBER ASKED, "SO WHERE DOES THAT GUY GO WHEN HE LEAVES?"

BILL LOOKED UP, TEARS IN HIS EYES FROM LAUGHTER AND SAID,

"YOUR HOUSE."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers, in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says:

Are you wearing crutchless knickers?

Y-e-s, she answers with a seductive smile.


Thank God for that.


I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa

hope we dont draw Cas in CC check this out -

where does osama bin laden keep his cds?

...in a-rack

say these words in order.

whale oil beef hooked......

and repeat.......now say them again without soundin like an irishman swearing!

Driving to work this morning when i saw this RAC van parked up on the side of the road. The driver looked really miserable and down.......i thought if he doesnt snap out of it soon he could be heading for a breakdown

A girl asks her doctor how many calories Are in C*M

the doctor replys honey if you swallow no one cares if your Fat !!!!

My condolences go to the family and friends of H from Steps. He will be sadly missed.

Louis was meeting his buddies and had just told them he couldn't make the fishing trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other remarks from his buddies, he left to go back home to his wife.

When Louis's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Louis sitting in front of the campfire, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Louis?"
"I didn't have to" was Louis's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at