A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all
bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word is celebrate!!!"

A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to
marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each
other at all, what if we don't get on?"

The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt
that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would
work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible. They were lazing by the
poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his
wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board
and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and
a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a
ripple.

The wife was amazed. When the husband came back to her she said:
"Blimey! I didn't know youcould swim like that!" He replied: "Oh
yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the
champion for ten years running." They agreed that there was lots
to learn about each other and that it was fun finding out.

Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water,
swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and laid on her sun lounger
barely out of breath. The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't
believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?" She
replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Leigh but I
worked both sides of the river."

>Two kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
>and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks
>if he can help them.
>
>"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
>dere," says Gerry.
>
>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for
>the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
>of the ConnorPass.
>
>At the ConnorPass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis
>looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
>them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
>
>Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
>stone dead.
>
>Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
>and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
>
>
>THERE'S MORE

>
>Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop
>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one
>hand and a shotgun in the other.
>
>"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
>
>He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
>cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
>parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
>and breaks every bone in his body.
>
>Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
>either!"
>
>IT IS NOT OVER YET
>
>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
>which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
>disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
>
>Once more Paddy shakes his head.
>
>"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
>parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n "hen gliding!"

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world, looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out of the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd Will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why
not".

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on the
location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a
few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."

"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business."

"Now, give me back my dog."

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells...

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was
Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything
away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was
Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and
filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with
your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one
more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

"Smoking Dope or Doing Time"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your 4rsehole before you go to prison..........."

Merseyside Council are to name a new school after Ken Bigley.






They are currently advertising for a Head.

I shouldnt really laugh at that should I

BEST MOTHER IN LAW JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD.



A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.



While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.



The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"



The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Elton John goes to a tattooist & says “I want a tattoo of a car on my c0ck.”

Tattooist replies “Better make it a 4x4 with the amount of sh*t it has to go through”

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.



'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'



'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'



'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.



'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The Operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.



A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.



'That's an unbelievable story. So, Simon who are you going to be tonight?'




'Tonight, Matthew,

I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall.

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans


4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.