CRISTIANO Ronaldo celebrated his record-breaking £80m move to Real Madrid last night by joining the early morning queue outside Paris Hilton's private parts.

The former Manchester United winger was seen flirting with the hotel heiress in an LA nightclub as the two laughed about what it's like to be an empty shell of a human being with no concept of the value of anything.

Martin Bishop, a leading Hiltonologist, said: "It's a very special moment in a young man's life when he becomes famous enough to join the queue for Paris Hilton's vagina.

"I'm pleased to see he got there at 3am - nice and early. At that time of day he would only have had to queue for about an hour and a half.

"The waiting isn't too bad. They have snacks and magazines and there's usually a couple of buskers and a clown who does magic."

Bishop said Ronaldo would have been in the queue behind three or four baseball players, half a dozen drummers, at least two European princes and, as it was a Thursday, Charlie Sheen.

"He will eventually have moved from the garden into the lobby into the undressing area where he will have stripped to his socks before having his genitals hosed down with Mr Muscle.

"After that it's straight into the mounting zone for eight to ten minutes of perfunctory intercourse, followed by a souvenir photo, a quick cup of tea and a biscuit."

He added: "They can put the condom in a doggy bag for you, or you can choose to pin it on the 'Wall of Fame'. It's really well organised."

ALL TOGETHER NOW.......
You put your transfer request in,
Your transfer request out,
in out, in out, you your club about.
You do the Christiano and you change your mind,
that's what it's all about !
Oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
Oh, Ronaldo's a w£nker,
Knee's bent arm's stretched,
DIVE, DIVE, DIVE

HAIRCUT

A GUY STUCK HIS HEAD INTO A BARBER SHOP AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I
CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP FULL OF CUSTOMERS AND SAID, "ABOUT
TWO HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A FEW DAYS LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE
DOOR
AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?" THE BARBER LOOKED
AROUND AT THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT THREE HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A WEEK LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE SHOP
AND
ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT AN HOUR AND A
HALF."

THE GUY LEFT. THE BARBER TURNED TO A FRIEND AND SAID, "HEY, BILL, DO
ME A FAVOR.

FOLLOW THAT GUY AND SEE WHERE HE GOES. HE KEEPS ASKING HOW LONG HE HAS
TO WAIT FOR A HAIRCUT, BUT THEN HE DOESN'T EVER COME BACK."

A LITTLE WHILE LATER BILL RETURNED TO THE SHOP, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

THE BARBER ASKED, "SO WHERE DOES THAT GUY GO WHEN HE LEAVES?"

BILL LOOKED UP, TEARS IN HIS EYES FROM LAUGHTER AND SAID,

"YOUR HOUSE."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers, in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says:

Are you wearing crutchless knickers?

Y-e-s, she answers with a seductive smile.


Thank God for that.


I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa

hope we dont draw Cas in CC check this out - channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/756 [/url

hope we dont draw Cas in CC check this out - channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/756 [/url

where does osama bin laden keep his cds?

...in a-rack

say these words in order.

whale oil beef hooked......

and repeat.......now say them again without soundin like an irishman swearing!

Driving to work this morning when i saw this RAC van parked up on the side of the road. The driver looked really miserable and down.......i thought if he doesnt snap out of it soon he could be heading for a breakdown

A girl asks her doctor how many calories Are in C*M

the doctor replys honey if you swallow no one cares if your Fat !!!!

My condolences go to the family and friends of H from Steps. He will be sadly missed.

Louis was meeting his buddies and had just told them he couldn't make the fishing trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other remarks from his buddies, he left to go back home to his wife.

When Louis's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Louis sitting in front of the campfire, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Louis?"
"I didn't have to" was Louis's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!