Fairy Tale::

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

" A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:


1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up.

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes.
6. Tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Move your lips as if praying.
8. Then hit this [url=http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swflink[/url

I can't believe we've not had a chuckle since early December, so I thought I'd dust off this thread.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

A screw is doing his rounds of the cells when he looks into the Cas fan's bijou chalet and sees him hanging from the ceiling by his feet. He rushes in and cuts him down.

"What did you think you were trying to do?" He asks the somewhat confused inmate.

"Trying to hang meself," replies the dejected prisoner.

"Don't you know that you're supposed to put the noose around your neck?"

"Sod that for a game of soldiers! Tried that already, but i couldn't breathe."

Married Life. This says it all..................



This story is how to separate fantasy from reality in the real world:

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'??
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?


You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
So sorry

Taxi
Coat
Hat

Please turn out the lights when you leave.

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A husband and wife are out shopping in a supermarket. The husband puts 10 cans of lager in the trolley and the wife takes them out saying they are too expensive at £10.

Further down the aisle she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the trolley.

"Hold on a minute," he says, "that's expensive."

"But it makes me look beautiful," she replies.

"So does the lager," he quips, "but at half the price!"

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Waiting for the SKY Sports camera's to visit the Shay this season...
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The CIA had a special mission for a special agent. After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents – two men and one woman. They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process.

In the reception room, they faced three locked and windowless rooms. The first agent – a man - was told: “We have to be sure that you will do whatever we tell you to do. Here’s a gun. In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. Kill her!” The man looked incredibly shocked and insisted: “There’s no way I could kill my wife”. He was told; “Then you’re not the man for this job. Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen”.

The second man was given the same instructions in relation to the second room. He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. “I tried to do it”, he said, “but I just couldn’t”. “Then you haven’t got what it takes”, he was told. “Go immediately and forget you ever applied for this job”.

There was only the female agent left and she was told that her husband was in the last room. She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another. Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging. Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face. “That damn gun was full of blanks”, she screamed. “I had to kill him with the chair”.