A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle .'

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Geordie said 'Just the one, Marra.'

The manager groaned and continued 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

'£124,237.64' replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?'

'Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing.'

major flood area
Epicentre: Hull , England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing
pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".
The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several
priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out
cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Humberside
reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still
trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Hull. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching
Jeremy Kyle the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting,muggings and car crime carried on as normal.
So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals,rescue workers searching through the water & mud have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the
victims of this disaster.
Clothing is needed most of all, especially:Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots or any other product sold in Primark
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your
efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45
or
Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves.

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russell's

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will
cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Beverley or
one of the 'West Hull Villages'.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Mercedes or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband, "I must confess darling, that I was once a hooker".

"That's alright, dear, " says he. "Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find this rather erotic. Tell me all about it."

"Well, " she says, "my name was Nigel and I played for St. Helens."

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the trousers in this family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

THE FRYING PAN!
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate
than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which
read:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A 45-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital and while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied......................









I didn't recognise you!

Fairy Tale::

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

" A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions

I can't believe we've not had a chuckle since early December, so I thought I'd dust off this thread.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

A screw is doing his rounds of the cells when he looks into the Cas fan's bijou chalet and sees him hanging from the ceiling by his feet. He rushes in and cuts him down.

"What did you think you were trying to do?" He asks the somewhat confused inmate.

"Trying to hang meself," replies the dejected prisoner.

"Don't you know that you're supposed to put the noose around your neck?"

"Sod that for a game of soldiers! Tried that already, but i couldn't breathe."

Married Life. This says it all..................



This story is how to separate fantasy from reality in the real world:

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'??
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?


You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
So sorry