You can keep the credit cards (spending less than the wife)

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself. 1.. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com 2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3.. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island" at www.penisland.net 4.. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com 5.. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com 6.. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com/ 7.. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com/ 8.. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com 9.. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com/

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself. 1.. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com 2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3.. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island" at www.penisland.net 4.. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com 5.. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com 6.. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com/ 7.. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com/ 8.. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com 9.. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com/

What do you say to the Drummer who knocks on ya door?
How much for the Pizza???

Did you here about the Bass player that locked himself in his car?
The Drummer had to break the window to let him out.

A Drummer went to buy a new car, he only had two hundred quid so he goes to see a pal that was into selling second hand junkers.
"Hi Mac," he says. "What have you got that's real cool for two hundred quid?"
"Well," says his mate "I've got a beauty out back a real bargain. It's an old Jag, beautiful condition..."
"What's the catch?" says the Drummer
"No catch at all," says Mac
"Oh there is just one little thing missing though," says Mac
"What's that then?" asked the Drummer
"It ain't got any doors," says Mac
"That's no good is it," says the Drummer, "How the heck am I going to get in?"

A guy walks into a shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a packet of condoms.
The guy behind the counter asks the man "Are you by any chance a Drummer?"
Well, I'll be, thought the man. "Yes, I am," he replied.
"I thought as much," replied the guy behind the counter.
"How that then?" replied the Man.
"Because this is a Butchers stupid!"


What do they call a guy that's hanging out with musicians?
A drummer.

What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

How do you know there's a drummer knocking on your door?
The knocking speeds up.


Two drummers meet while walking down the street.
One of them asks, " What you got in that bag?"
The other one replies: "Chickens"
"Can I have one?" asks the first drummer.
The second drummer replies, "If you can guess how many chickens are in this bag, then I'll give you both of them."


How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Shoot one.


In the Year 2050, there will be shops in which you can buy brains. So this guy walks into one of these shops and asks for a specialal brain.
The clerk turns around, takes a jar with a brain in it and says, "So here we have the brain of a teacher."
The man wants to know how much it is.
"20,000 Dollars" answers the clerk.
"Hm...",says the man, "are there any other special brains in here?"
The clerk turns around and looks at the shelf for five minutes, then he take another jar. He declares," So here we have a philosopher´s brain"
"And how much is this one ?"
"40,000 Dollars". The man thinks about it and finally says that the two brains standing before him are too normal - he wants a very, very, very special brain.
So the clerk goes to look for the demanded one and after half an hour, he comes back, with a jar, very dirty, but you can still seea a very small-sized brain in it. "This one is a Drummer´s brain", says the clerk, "but it´s 150,000 Dollars".
The man asks:"How come?"
"Just think, how many drummers have to die before we get a real brain..."


What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer...


How do you know when the drumriser is properly levelled?
The drummer is drooling evenly from both sides of the mouth!!


How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5- One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could do it.


What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.


Did you hear about the drummer who walked passed the bar?
...Well it could happen!

How many drummers are necessary to screw a lightbulb?
Ten drummers, one to hold the lamp with his hands and nine to turn the room.


Some people are doing a test to determine peoples' Intelligence Coefficient, and when they finish it they meet at a convention...
A scientist asks a man, "What's your job?"
" I´m a maths teacher."
"What IC have you got?"
"123"
They start talking about Mathematics when another man joins the group:
" What's your job?"
" I'm an engineer."
" Nice. What's your CI?"
"98."
Then they begin talking about electronics, and people continue to join the group until a curious man appears.
They ask him, "What's your IC? "
"13."
"Oh! Well!, and, err...what sticks do you use?"


Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

An amateur drummer dies and goes to Heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within Heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."


How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty. One to hold the lamp and nineteen to drink beer until that the room begins to rotate.


A drummer is fishing by the lake and catches the golden fish.
"Please, drummer! Throw me back!" says the fish, so the drummer puts her back in the water.
The fish disappears then swims back to the drummer. "And what about the wish?" she asks.
"Okay. What'll it be?"

There were three people - an intelligent drummie, a stupid drummie and a gnome sitting in a room in front of a table and on the table was a fried chicken. Suddenly the light went off in the room, and when it turned on again, someone had eaten up the chicken. Who was it?
Well, it must have been the stupid drummie, because intelligent drummies and gnomes don't exist!


If a drummer and a squirrel are sitting in a cab, what's the difference?
The squirrel's going on a gig.

What's in common with an awful drum-fill and a tornado?
You know they're coming but there ain't a thing you can do.

How do you drive a drummer insane?
Lock him up in a round room and tell him there's pizza in the corner.

If you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard, what do you do?
Stop laughing and shoot again.

How do you know your restroom has a straight floor?
A drummer has peed on both sides of the toiletseat.


Two drummers walk into a building. You figure at least one of them would have seen it.

Why did the drummer climb over the barbed wire fence?
To see what was on the other side.

The band was ed off coz the producer would always take off early on Fridays for lunch and not return till Monday.
After several weeks of this, the band decided that if the producer was going to take off early, so would they.
Sure enough, that Friday the producer dissapeared, so the band decided to take off.
The Singer went to a movie, the Bassist went to a nudie bar, the Guitarists went to a medievall joust and the Drummer decided just to go home. When the Drummer got home, he found his wife in bed with the producer. The Drummer was mortified and shocked and walked around town moping.
The next Friday, the same thing happened with the producer leaving early. "Well Mate," said the Singer, "shall we take off early again?" "You guys go ahead," said the Drummer, "I almost got caught last week."


A very worried bass player is strolling along a beach in California. He steps on something hard, and picks it up. It's a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out.
"I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish".
"I think", the bass player says, "that I'd like to go to Hawaii one day. But I get airsick and seasick. I'd like you to build a bridge so I could drive over."
The genie thinks this over, and gently explains that it would be almost impossible, with labour costs what they are and the sea as deep as it is.
"In that case, how about this. Our drummer never writes any songs. I'd like you to make him write a song."
The genie ponders for a bit, then asks, "This bridge....you want it two-lane or four-lane?"


What's the difference between a drummer and a battery ?
A battery has got a plus-side...


How do you get a drummer to complain?
Get him a gig.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

What has four sticks and half a brain?
Two Drummers

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
A Drummer

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio:-

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) s playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Q: Two flies are in a teapot. Which one is pregnant?
A: The one up the spout.

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying b@stard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying b@stard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

whats the difference between a police mans truncheon and a magicians wand?





















well one is used for cunning stunts, and the other is used for ......................

A Beautiful woman went to the Gynaecologist. The doctor
Took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the
Window. He immediately told her to get undressed.




After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"




"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."




"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle
Her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.




"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might
Indicate Breast cancer."




"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted
His Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He
Asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"



"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I
Came here In the first place."

Bubba, you are famous at last !

A professor at University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said Goats."

Did you know today is Star Wars day.

MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU.

i'm really really sorry

A major earthquake sending many OAPs' blood pressure off the Richter scale hit Kent with its epicentre in Tunbridge Wells and neighbouring small but beautiful villages, several of them contenders in the Village Green of the Year competition last Saturday.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Egad! Have you seen the damage to Margorie's Box Hedge?".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £2,000,000 worth of damage, well that's what the Estate Agent said it's worth. And one went only last week in Hawkhurst for over that amount, and they hadn't even put it on the market yet.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Mrs Fotheringtons Tea Shoppe and the Bide-a-wee Collectable Ceramics shop just off the High Street were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic model villages were disturbed. Many locals
were woken well before they had a chance to put on their driving gloves
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something had happened which was not the fault of those dreadful es at the back of the Waitrose Car Park.


One resident - Major Derek Barking, an 80-year-old owner of five bassett hounds, said "It was such a shock, my little Mulberry came trotting
into the bedroom barking like crazy with his tale between his legs.
However, the two bitches, Juno and Sword slept through it
all. I was still shaking when I was tying my cravate and finishing a letter to the Daily Mail the next morning.”

Apparently serving of cream teas, and shooting of tresspassers were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Clotted Cream to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including Jaegar scarves,
sensible shoes and sacks of Winalot.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Items most needed includeKeep off the Grass Signs
Dog leads
Saleable Antiques
Cravates[/list
Loose tea, not that ghastly stuff in bags that seems so prevalent nowadays. Thank God for Waitrose , that's what I say Any other items usually sold in tiny shops with small bay windows Food parcels of Gentlemen's Relish and Mrs Balls' Chutney may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

[size**Breaking news**[/size

Rescue workers found a Mrs Beauchamps in the rubble smothered in Strawberry Jam. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked. 'bleeding? This is Old Mother Flummery's finest home made strawberry preserve, you grotty little man. Get me some clotted cream and a cup of Darjeeling before I set the dogs on you.

[iNot like life up north is it!![/i

Two fonts walk into the bar, and the barman says, "sorry lads, we don't serve your type".

Damn, never thought my past would catch back up with me.

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of
his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the
question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your
wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay
until our second mortgage is paid off."