A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?

Christmas is only round the corner, so start getting some practice in now. Take the 'Beat the Sprout' Challenge. www.eyegas.com/xmas05/

Christmas is only round the corner, so start getting some practice in now. Take the 'Beat the Sprout' Challenge. www.eyegas.com/xmas05/

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.

His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left , then to the right, through the front door, into the street, where a truck smashes into him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father cries hysterically. The bartender sighs and says 'He should have quit while he was a head!

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who
overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to
have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There", he says, "that wasn't too difficult was it?!?!

After having dug to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 metres and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

(My favorite of the three!):


Two married buddies were out drinking one night. One turned to the other and said "It's a real problem. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I creep up the stairs, I get underdressed in the bathroom, I ease gently into bed without disturbing and STILL my wife wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy took a swif of beer and said: "Your doing it all wrong! I screech into the driveway, slam the door, Storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, how about a blow job?. . . and she's always sound asleep"

The [sizeULTIMATE[/size in Body Piercing!!!

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later...

Headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the
television screen."

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop
the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel
compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the
nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.



A little later on, headquarters calls again:



"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she
says.....



"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, dont touch anything."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then said. "Someone has stolen our tent."

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet"!

A friend in Rishworth got a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his drive and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale £30."

The next day someone stole it

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the Children
what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
Captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He
plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Q: what key opens any lock?

A: piKEY