A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".

A little boy goes into sports shop to buy a rugby ball.

When he goes to pay the owner says to the boy he has not got enough money.

So the boy says he will do a deal.

If the owner blindfolds him and hands him any ball from i.e. Hull, wakefield, Bradford etc, he can tell the shopkeeper which ball he has in his hands........the owner agrees.

He hands him the first ball and the boy has a feel and he says ,"This is a Leeds Rhinos Ball" The shopkeeper is astounded and says "How did you guess that?"

The boy says " I could feel the charge of the Rhino through the ball!"

The shopkeeper passes him another ball.

The lad says "This is a Warrington Ball!" The shopkeeper is amazed. "How did you guess that?"......

The lad says "I could hear the howl of the Wolves as I touched the ball!"

The shopkeeper hands him one more ball just too convince him "Now then lad, try this ball!"

He has a feel and says "This is easypeasey lemonsqueasy........Its a Wigan Ball!"

The shopkeeper rubs his eyes and says "How the fek did you get that?"

the lad retorts "Its GOING DOWN"

I woke up this morning and there was a man
stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

NEWSFLASH:

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty.



He has been sentenced to death by firing squad.



Saddam's last wish is that he should choose the members of the firing squad. His choice:



Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher, all from 12 yards!

A guy is playing golf and tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is
your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish."

Bubba's joke

A blonde walks into a laundrette, puts a dress on the side, storms out and mumbles "I'll be back on friday to collect it". "Come again?" replies the cashier. The blond turns round and with an angry glare yells, "No actually, its mayonaise this time"

thanks

Talk to God


An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around
the world.

So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he
would start by working his way across England from South to North. On
his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"£ 10,000
per call".

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for £ 10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman
thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered
if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a
direct line to heaven and that for £ 10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K.,
thank you," said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Salisbury, Birmingham, Carlisle and Newcastle. In
every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£ 10,000
per call" sign under it.

The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to York to
see if they had the same telephone. He arrived in York, and again, in
the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read "40p per call."

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but the price was £ 10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Yorkshire now, son -
it's a local call"

Lol, very good Yob!

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you
were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but
something happened.

I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have
the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did,
better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the
thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before
and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?".

"I have " says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?".

"She has" says the bloke

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says.

"We're having a new kitchen".

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

it is true Yob, watch your back mr yob, the female supporters may be after you in wrong capacity though

Don't worry, Pete. No-one will get hurt as I've heard Yob fires blanks as well.

A woman goes to the vets with her duck.

She says "Something is wrong with my duck, its not moved in days"
Vet examines the duck and says "Sorry you duck is dead",
She says "Can I get a second opinion?"
Vet says "Of course", the vet goes to a door in the corner and opens it. He whistles then a labrador dog comes in. The dog sniffs the duck and then shakes its head to the vet.

The vet goes to the door again and whistles. This time a cat comes in and jumps on the table. The cat sniffs and licks the duck. Again the cat looks at the vet and shakes its head.

She says "What was that?"
Vet says "Your second opinion!"
She says "I am not paying for that!"

[iwait for it...[/i

Vet says "Why not, that was a lab test and a cat scan?"