They've just entered a piece of evidence in the Michael Jackson case - a white glove with one brown finger

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

"What would you like to discuss?"

" Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde,

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.



One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him

that she was pregnant.



Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a

large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have

the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would

also provide child support until the child turned 18. She

agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.



To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post

card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange

for child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused

wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card

today."



"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The

wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned

white and fainted.



On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two

with meatballs, one without."

PRINCE CHARLES

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment" said the genie.

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life,
Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie
the second photo. "

You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can
make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said,












"Let's have a look at that dog again."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me s#x. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Subject: new bank procedures



A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancels and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

What do you call a sheep tied to a tree in Whitehaven???

A Play Station...

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to
the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

a woman was in the kitchen doing the washing up while listening to the radio, on come Tony Christie.

the woman say I’m f*@king sick of this song and pulls out a knife and starts stabbing her pan scrubber.

realising what she had done she says














is this the way to harm a brillo.

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his
new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the
golf pro is.

"Top o' the mornin' to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two wooden tees fall out of his
pants pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies
Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you".

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"