An Englishman and an Irishman enter the door of a cellar, the Irishman trips and falls down the stairs, the Englishman says ''have you broken anything mate'' the Irishman looks around the room and replies ''I dont think so''

Thats shokin 8O

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean.
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and then she tried to take your pants off.
You screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table £539.99
Hot Breakfast £14.20
Two Aspirins .38P
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless

Camilla goes to talk to the Queen, "You know, every
time I suck Charles' cock I get indigestion."
The Queen replies, "Well, have you tried Andrew's?"

The Queen's no room to talk.
She only started courting because people told her wonderful the new Philips 12 inch was.........

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...."

A rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "No this is a butchers we don't sell lettuce."

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any lettuce?"

Again the butcher explains that it's a butchers and doesn't sell
lettuce.

Next day the rabbit walks in and says, "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "I'm sick of telling you this is a ******* butchers.
You ask again and I'll nail your ears to the wall!"

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any nails?"

The butcher says, "No." and the rabbit
says,...................................................














"Got any lettuce?"

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient.
'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies: 'I've been trying to contact you since
yesterday'.

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a gift cheque for 500 pounds. At the second house they
presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whiskey. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the
dumb blonde fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five
Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the
fiver for?"
"Well", said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
..........the breakfast was my idea."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some cond0ms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about cond0ms and sex.
At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many c0ndoms he'd like
tobuy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I 'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head
down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a f*cking pharmacist."

That list of real Family Fortunes answers in full…

Q. Name something you take to the beach
A. Turkey sandwiches

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon

Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell

Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar

Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs

Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair

Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail

Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing

Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters

Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet

Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April

Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant

Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard

Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish

Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion.

[size The true story [/size

It has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.





On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red
dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in the United States.

Not only did they have to change the date of the Royal Wedding because
of the Popes funeral, but now they've had to change the time of the
Grand National so Camilla can run in the race

For Sale - Electric golf cart. One careful owner. Tel Rome 513-666

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

How do you know when it's bed time at Jacko's Neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand....