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Which would you rather have :
Alzheimers disease or Parkinsons disease ?
Is it better to spill half of your pint of lager shaking, but still manage to drink the other half ?
OR,
Not get to drink any of your pint of lager, because you can't remember where you last put it down ?

I’ve been banned from B&Q

There I was, looking around, when this guy in orange overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in, a nice bang on the nose, dragged him down the decorating section and gave him a good pasting. Nailed him good and proper.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in

one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look,
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
.
.
.
.
.

"That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"

A bloke is sitting down having a quiet beer in a pub and hears a guy at the bar shout to the barman, "Hey, donkey, give us a pint".
"Hmmmm strange name" thought the bloke.
Then another guy shouts the same.
"Oi barman" asks the bloke. "Why did he just call you donkey?"
"He haw he haw he always calls me that" replied the barman.

What has 90 Balls and screws old ladies???


Bingo

What's blue & f*cks grannies at christmas






Hyperthermia

What goes in, out, in, out and smells of p1ss?







The hokey cokey in an old folk's home.........

David, Darren and Daisy are all shipwrecked on a desert island.

And for the next couple of years, whilst they wait to be rescued, they do what comes naturally.

Daisy is then suddenly filled with remorse after having sex with two blokes and commits suicide.

For the next couple of years, whilst they wait to be rescued, David and Darren do what comes naturally.

They too, are then filled with remorse - and bury Daisy!!

[sizeLeighs SL Squad

Widnes Fans saying they will be a top 6 team next season[/size

How hilarious

Here's a good 'un:

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eilleen !!!!!!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks:

'Is it serious, doctor?'

and the doctor replies:

'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

A cute little girl with curly hair goes into a pet shop and teetering backwards and forwards on her toes, says to the shop keeper

"Pleeth mithster thop keeper I am looking for a litoo furwy wabit"

The shop keeper wanting to be customer friendly goes down on his knees in order to be at the same level as the little girl and asks

"Wet me thee. We haw litoo bwack furwy ones, litoo bwawn furwy ones and litoo wite furwy ones, which type of litoo furwy wabit would you like?"

To which the little girl replies:

"I don't fink my python gives a thit."

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides
had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it
went to the CIA, on then to NASA, then to the Secret Service. With no
clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House "Tell the President he is holding the letter
upside down."