A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "Well brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wressle. We wressled down one hill, UP another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called
to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold
on,Sister Margaret, not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord
from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed
in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right
from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong"

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister
Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I
want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will
discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately
called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can
hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel
dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for
right nd wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me
when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts
of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my
throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right
and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a
message:
"Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while!!!

Fax were playing Cas, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Rikki Sheriffe getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Rikki to go out on his own.

"No worries," Rikki told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Rikki headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 94-2.

"What!!!!", said a furious Faz, "How did you let them get two points? " Rikki replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

A Cas fan was walking through the streets of Castleford when he sees a sale on at a video shop. When he stops to look he sees a video called Cas Rugby The Golden Years. The guy enters the shop and asks how much the video costs. The shop owners replies, £300. The Cas fan replies,What! Im not paying £300 just for a video, the shop owners replies,No don't be silly, the video is £5 the Beta-Max video player is £295!!

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for Child Support,
the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is
and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies
that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing father's details.
Or putting it another way ...
Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

(Be sure to check out number 11 - it takes the prize and #3 is
runner-up.)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Jim Munson.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue
where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father,
can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.
I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate
and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad
as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover
and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.
I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

7. Number 7 was removed to keep e-mail P.C.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A.
If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time ...
well, I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby;
after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one
made you fart.

Once upon a time the Canadian Government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of nowhere with no real value. The Government said, "Someone may steal from the scrap yard at night. So they created a night watchman position and hired a person (bilingual, naturally) for the job.

Then the Government said, "How can the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a Planning Department and hired two
people; one person to write the job description and one person to do
time studies.

Then the Government said, "How will we know the night watchman is
performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to
write the reports.

Then the Government said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a Time Keeper and a Payroll
Officer; then hired two more people to assist.

Then the government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three
people: an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative
Officer and a Legal Secretary.

Then the Government said, "We have had this organization in operation
for only one year and we are $1,180,000 over budget; we must cut back
our overall costs...................

So they laid off the night watchman.

A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as Pino More

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly."You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head "We're not welcome at B&Q either

Grannies on the Road:

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? these women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and
the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I
went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of Semi Skimmed milk,
A carton of eggs,
A carton of fresh orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. jar of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Chinese in 10 Minutes:

1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP............................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse .............................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ................. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8 ) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ................. No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week .. Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is just fair giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a lorry driver.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."