And these are for all you lovers out there...

These are entries to a Washington post competition asking for a
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss....
But I only slept with you, because I was ed!

I thought that I could love no other....
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.....
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes....
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife...
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming....
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away....
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.....
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Mother Knows!


A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat-mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat-Mates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose
she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Paul. So he
sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL X

Several days later, Paul received an e-mail from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MUM X


Lesson of the day:- NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS
FINDS OUT)

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

How do you circumcise a Cas fan?



Kick his sister under the chin!

Boy do we need a laugh at the moment !


A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest."Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.



The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

A bloke walks into a lift and
stands next to a very pretty woman.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I smell your fanny?"
"No!" she replies, "Don't be disgusting."
"Oh well," the man shrugs his shoulders,
"It must be your feet then."

Q: Why is the Government like an Ikea wardrobe?
A: One loose screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Have you been saving that joke?

Old one recycled for today

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A South African gold miner lost his leg in an accident.

Choking back the tears later he cried,
"It's over! who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?"

Then his phone rang. "It's Paul McCartney."