A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's the
moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!", Ashley said "Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers,too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched'. "That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me
this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight
engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she
had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f____ away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at