I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!



*************************************************

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.

************************************************

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

************************************************

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was, a Fine spiritual leader"
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

************************************************

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean
to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".


************************************************


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

************************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse"
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

***************************************************



John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

**************************************************

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to
his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.


"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."



********************************************************
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at