A man goes to the doctors........

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy!"
Doc - "What?"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"
Man -"Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got."
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits."

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at