A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out of the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd Will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why
not".

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on the
location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a
few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."

"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business."

"Now, give me back my dog."

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at