The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world, looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at