A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to
marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each
other at all, what if we don't get on?"

The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt
that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would
work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible. They were lazing by the
poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his
wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board
and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and
a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a
ripple.

The wife was amazed. When the husband came back to her she said:
"Blimey! I didn't know youcould swim like that!" He replied: "Oh
yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the
champion for ten years running." They agreed that there was lots
to learn about each other and that it was fun finding out.

Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water,
swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and laid on her sun lounger
barely out of breath. The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't
believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?" She
replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Leigh but I
worked both sides of the river."

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at