A MAN walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources and without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

“Its Keith, the midget,” the woman replies.

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.

After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized Crays and a swag of edible Crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share."

With that he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice Crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! You fancy comin' with us?"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love
you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it
was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too".

A man was out shopping with his wife in the supermarket and they got separated and he was unable to find her. He spotted a female store assistant with an impressive frontage and approached her.

“Excuse me” said the man, “may I speak to you for a moment?”

“Of course” said the assistant, “how can I help you?”

“I just want to talk to you for a short while, I’ve lost my wife in the store and whenever I stop to talk to someone with huge tits she always appears out of nowhere!!”

Are bigley ones allowed?
I dont want any scousers having a minute' silence!
Contraversial.
What the hoot

NEWSFLASH**********

The race to heaven bewtween ken bigley and christopher reeve has just been won.

Reeve won by a short head!

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...


"Is Michael Jackson God?"

At the pub tonight doing the Pubspeak quiz

Q: What is the capital of Cuba

Blonde barmaid - "no idea"

Clue - it beginswith H and think of cigars

Barmaid - "Hamlet"

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster
and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the
priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to
question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, eight altar boys, three priests and a goat stood up.

THE DONKEY


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At
first,
the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up.


As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.





Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

Subject: kids


Why we love children.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' in its
ear, and it did'nt move."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy"
"I know," she replied," but what's growing in your butt?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine".
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit, a
talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

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