A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who
overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to
have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"

BAD NEWS - Patrick Swayze has died!

MORE BAD NEWS - The Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake!

They'd have had the thyme of their life.

Yorkshire Women





3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,

lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

NEW WORLD SURVEY


Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And finally, in the UK they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Fantastic! I've just discovered twitter. its my girlfriends sensitive area between the & the Shitter.


replace lover with tw@at