"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

What goes clop clop clop clop - BANG BANG - clopclopclopclopclopclop.....??








An Amish 'drive-by'!!

I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies. She'll have a fit when she finds out.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".



My wife slipped over in the bathroom last night and knocked herself out. As she lay there on the floor naked, p***y glinting in the light I thought ''this is my chance'' so I went to the pub

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?

You are a card aren't you

So, bloke goes to the pub the other day and says "can I please have a bint of pitter and a lalf of hager?"

Landlord says "Don't you mean pint of bitter and half of lager?"

Bloke says "yes, I'm sorry. I tend to get my words mixed up sometimes"

Landlord says "yes, I know what you mean. only this morning I was coming downstairs and I meant to ask the wife if she fancied some breakfast, however I ended up saying "you've ruined my life you ugly fat biitch"

I took summat to The Antiques Roadshow once.

I says to the expert "I recently moved into a large old terraced property, and I found this in my loft, and was wondering if you could let me know how much it's worth?"

"F*ck off!!" says he "and stop wasting my time!"

"...but I think it might be victorian." says I

"It's your cold water tank - Now F*ck Off!!!"

Why did fans avoid the front row seats at this years Snooker Championships? The queues were too long.

I remember when I was little, lying down with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and went.

What do Arsenal and Batman have in common? They just don't work without Robin.

So, Kim Jong Il has died. For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.