One from my wife.

The scooter club we're both members of has an annual party in Northampton. We normally stop in the same Holiday Inn, but one year we had to stop in a different one.
This next detail is important: As you walk into the place, you go through a double door and then go left to start on the stairs which come back along where you've just come in, leading to a landing halfway up before continuing in the same direction as when you walked in the building, meaning that there is a wall facing the entrance lobby.
We went out with the rest of the club and, to put it mildly, got absolutely hammered.

We walked back to the digs, Fiona droping behind slightly as we entered the building. I go up half the stairs and stop on the half landing and tell her to hurry up. She's now facing the wall with a confused look on her face..

All we got out of her for about five minutes was "How did you get up there? The stairs are broken, I can't get up to you..." with a really sad look on her face...

..Just been reminded, the same weekend she walked up to a plate glass window and waited for it to slide open. Yes dear, it's a window, not a door.

She's actually quite intelligent.

Cringeworthy one

Was in Amsterdam on a stag weekend, we went in to a club for a couple of drinks, we'd been in for about 20 minutes when two Americans came over, first time in Europe and they were working, well paid lawyer types, and wanted to talk to some English guys. Anyway 3 hours later we are chatting having a right laugh and they'd been buying the drinks, yes just those 2 buying and there was 15 of us.

One of our 'mates' is a bit of an idiot and by now he's absolutely hammered, a few of us are talking about 9/11 and all the associated blah that goes with that kind of discussion, when this 'mate' who had said next to F'k all all night pipes up with this beauty in his full drunken glory.

"You know 9/11, well you deserved that, that will teach you to make all those films in which Americans are the best at everything and everyone else is a f'kin idiot, Maverick and Goose didn't shoot those planes out the sky did they"?

I swear non of us knew where to put ourselves and couldn't believe his only contribution to the conversation was that, needless to say the drinks stopped coming very shortly afterwards.

Another couple ………………

I took the wife to the new Cinemas in Leigh the other month, it was the first time we'd gone on our own to the Pictures since the release of Grease

Anyway as she came away with from the counter she said "You're in seat 12A"

After a few minutes of looking I said "There is no 12A, they all start with letters, hope it’s not A12 right at the front, I'll have to ask"

So I did

"12A is the film classification Sir, sit were you want"

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The Wife and I usually get one another a couple of surprise presents for Christmas.

The year before last in the lead up she said “I’m going to get us something we can both use at night in the bedroom.” Wow… This was going to be my best Christmas ever.

On Christmas Eve, I asked will I be ok opening the surprise presents in front of the kids, she said “Yeah, their old enough now to understand” I was a little shocked but what the hell they were 19 and 17.

Anyway Santa had been, and in the normal routine, I’m last at the opening ceremony, I hadn’t been so excited for years, I ripped the wrapping off as fast as I could and there it was……….








A tub of Anti-wrinkle cream.

Something similar happened to me when I was 17 or 18. I'd not long started my job, and was sent out to do a viewing or measure up, or something. I stopped and asked an old man for some directions, and like the little old lady above, jumped in the car.

He then proceeded to criticise EVERY aspect of my driving, saying I was going too fast and what have you. He told me
to pull over when we reached the spot he needed, and I'll never forget his parting shot; "If tha wants fot see seventy, don't see it on thi speedometer"

One of my teammates at uni is a 'mature' student (29, but not particularly mature) and was involved in a moped accident earlier this year, but wasn't able to give us the full details due to a court case surrounding it. It's all been sorted out now, and he couldn't wait to tell us about the name of the woman who had sent him through her windshield.

Her surname was Pepper, his is Salt.

Leading on from that (sort of), anyone?

Another story about a perplexed American.

We were on a car trip out to the US west coast. Stopped at a restaurant somewhere in Montana or Wyoming. Waitress picked up on our accents. "You're from out east aren't you?". "Yes, we're living in Chicago but we're from further east than that". "Oh, New York then?". "No, much further east". Silence, puzzled look, then "But there isn't anywhere further east."

My old mate [iStaffy[/i was a serial dumper.

He felt the need to drop his kegs and curl one off in all sorts of different environments and circumstances.

The two times that I was in his company :-

1, We were at a mates party, whose parents had cleared off on their hols, when I got a, 'just keep an eye out for me mate', whereupon he proceeded to lock himself in our mates parents greenhouse and dump a huge steaming log. (there were two perfectly adequate toilets within the property.

2, Half a dozen of us had gone on a North Sea Ferries 'Dutch Dash', Hull/Rotterdam.We got totally w@nkered (like you do)on the outgoing leg, and me and him somehow found ourselves in the corridor outside the officers cabins. Oh yes, belt unbuckled, jeans dropped, and a big toby dropped all over the carpet.

Two further occasions that I never physically witnessed but the lads told me about........................

1, Him and a few of the lads went on the Norfolk Broads for a week. Apparently he got on top of the wheelhouse thingy and proceeded to drop a large one in front of the lads and a family in a boat in the nearby vicinity.

2, They were at a wedding when the best-man had the bad idea of taking Staffy along with him to break into the newlyweds home during the festivities.
Best man was just gonna throw the contents of a box of rice under the duvet and move a few things around. Unfortunately whilst best man was out of the bedroom, you can guess what else got left under the duvet.

He obviously had serious issues.

No, you're wrong there. I bet it's ten years since I even cracked a smile on a night out in Bradford.

I wasn't smiling either when we pitched up at the Westgate curry house to find that they'd vacated the building.

Well then you should have taken my advice and, err. Actually you did.

Wizeb reminds me of a story from Uni invoving a complete anaimal of a lad from Hull called Mark who lived in the same flat in halls as one of my mates. They had an ongoing friendly bit of one-upmanship with some lads in another flat whereby each flat would sneak in to the others knowing they were in the hall bar and nick their booze or sabotage something ( e.g. bedding soaked in water, placed in a bin bag and then in a chest freezer). During one of these raids Mark curled one off into a casserole dish and put it in the oven at 180C. The now carbonised turd was only found the following evening when someone went to put a pie in the oven!