As most do the wife and I always buy one another a few surprises for each other at Christmas.

Anyway a few years ago the lead up to Christmas the wife said with a glint in her eye “I’ve got something great for your surprise this year, but it’s something that we can both use in the bedroom”

I thought WOW this is going to be great, I hadn’t been this excited for years, a few days before Christmas I said “Would it not be better if I opened my surprise before Christmas so the kids don’t see it?”

She replied “No they’re old enough to understand”

Oh well I tried and they were 17 and 15.

So the big day arrived and as usual I was last at the opening ceremony but it was finally my turn, I ripped the wrapping paper off like a man possessed, and there it was……………..a tub of anti-wrinkle cream!

When my girlfriend’s student visa ran out and she asked me to fill in the marriage licence forms so that she can stay her - I realised I have underpants older than her

When at the match and I heard somebody say "yes. over there, just behind the old bloke". So, I looked around to see where this old bloke was...and it then dawned on me! I was the old bloke.

When you remember 2 divorces with both citing "he couldn't keep it in his trousers" and the current wife moaning all I do "is keep it in my trousers".

Mind you' you know the wife's getting old when you catch a verrucae from a tit .

"Signs you are getting old" appears to have become a Bernard Manning set-list.

When you remember any set list by Bernard Manning

Shurrup you Pinko ponce.

You know you’re past it if you still think brexit’s a good idea.

Seeing a pair of roller skates in a museum, only to realise you had a pair as a kid.

They were hand-me-downs but...

Cracking skates though.

I remember those skates well



(hope the pic works)