Just got off the phone to the takeaway when the wife turned to me with tears in her eyes and sobbed, "oh those poor, poor children. Starving and wasting away. When was the last time they went to bed with a hot meal inside them? I feel so guilty."

"You're right love," I said, reaching for the the phone, "it's only one night and a few quid won't kill us."

"You can be so kind and caring sometimes, it's one of the reasons I married you."

"Oh be quiet," I said, blushing, "now you go and wake them while I ring the takeaway back and order extra fries."

Apart from, Glitter and Saville, probably libel as well

The new Jimmy Savile Advent calendar really is poor.
The flaps only open on 1-16

The pedant in me can't help thinking that should be 15 (not 16) ... sorry.

A little boy goes to see his dad and says, "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

His father replies, "Sure, son. What's the question?"

The little boy says, "What is politics?"

"Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'David Cameron.' Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her 'George Osborne' We take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' We'll call the maid 'The Working Class,' and your baby brother we can call 'The Future.' Do you understand, son?

"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

"Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

"Well, dad, while David Cameron is screwing the Working Class, George Osborne is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of .

I went to watch the film "Life of Pi", very disappointed, it was not about pies after all so all the Wiganers walked out.

What a struggle I've had today, putting together my Dean Martin wardrobe, and Frank Sinatra bookcase!!

Last time I buy any of that Rat-pack furniture!!

Slight edit

(Tim Vine circa 2002)

My neighbour has just had one of those "American" garage sales

I bought a pub quiz machine, with a slight defect. £100, no questions asked
and a telly with a broken volume control for a tenner....well, I couldn't turn THAT down

The ex wife said I only had two faults:

Firstly that I never listened to her......and some other rubbish she kept whittering on about!!

I had a lovely date with a woman who works at a zoo. I think she might be a keeper.

Everyone knows I'm sleeping with my coworker at the zoo.

It's getting hard to ignore the elephant in the room.

What do Celtic and Oscar Pistorius have in common?


Both lost two legs and only had three shots on target...