Just got off the phone to the takeaway when the wife turned to me with tears in her eyes and sobbed, "oh those poor, poor children. Starving and wasting away. When was the last time they went to bed with a hot meal inside them? I feel so guilty."

"You're right love," I said, reaching for the the phone, "it's only one night and a few quid won't kill us."

"You can be so kind and caring sometimes, it's one of the reasons I married you."

"Oh be quiet," I said, blushing, "now you go and wake them while I ring the takeaway back and order extra fries."

Apart from, Glitter and Saville, probably libel as well

The new Jimmy Savile Advent calendar really is poor.
The flaps only open on 1-16

The pedant in me can't help thinking that should be 15 (not 16) ... sorry.

A little boy goes to see his dad and says, "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

His father replies, "Sure, son. What's the question?"

The little boy says, "What is politics?"

"Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'David Cameron.' Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her 'George Osborne' We take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' We'll call the maid 'The Working Class,' and your baby brother we can call 'The Future.' Do you understand, son?

"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

"Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

"Well, dad, while David Cameron is screwing the Working Class, George Osborne is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of .

I went to watch the film "Life of Pi", very disappointed, it was not about pies after all so all the Wiganers walked out.

What a struggle I've had today, putting together my Dean Martin wardrobe, and Frank Sinatra bookcase!!

Last time I buy any of that Rat-pack furniture!!

Slight edit

(Tim Vine circa 2002)

My neighbour has just had one of those "American" garage sales

I bought a pub quiz machine, with a slight defect. £100, no questions asked
and a telly with a broken volume control for a tenner....well, I couldn't turn THAT down

The ex wife said I only had two faults:

Firstly that I never listened to her......and some other rubbish she kept whittering on about!!

Mine say's I only have two faults, everything I say and everything I do.

I had a lovely date with a woman who works at a zoo. I think she might be a keeper.

Everyone knows I'm sleeping with my coworker at the zoo.

It's getting hard to ignore the elephant in the room.

What do Celtic and Oscar Pistorius have in common?


Both lost two legs and only had three shots on target...

Nicked from Lemmy.

How do we know the CIA had nothing to do with Kennedy's assassination ?

He's dead isn't he.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

An American was touring Lancashire indulging his interest in churches.
In a church in Blackburn he spotted a gold-painted payphone bearing a sign saying "Minimum call charge £100" ... and, intrigued, he asked the vicar.
"Ah that's the direct line to God" said the Vicar, "most churches up North have them but it doesn't come cheap".

Later that day the American was in a church in Burnley and spotted another gold phone, again with the sign saying "Minimum call charge £100".

Then another in Accrington and another in Bacup.

The following day he was in a Todmorden church.
Here, however, the same style of gold phone bore a different sign saying "Minimum call charge 50p" ... so, of course he was impelled to seek out the Vicar to ask why it was that in all the churches he had visited the previous day the price had been £100 but here it was only a matter of pence, were the Lancastrians ripping the congregation off?

"No, not all" said the vicar "You see lad, you're in Yorkshire now, so it's just a local call".

Just joined a local reggae band playing the triangle

I just stand there an ting

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a 5hit!"

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of the car in front, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said "I'm not happy!"

I replied "well, which one are you then?"

CANNOT BELIEVE THE JOKES PAGE HAS DRIFTED TO PAGE 7, MISERABLE BUNCH OF SODS



A man in London walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?".......

Battle of Trafalgar 2013 style


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ‘ England ’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled..."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.
And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil"

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."

I saw a good deal on E-bay yesterday. Fella who specialises in Adam & The Ants Memorabilia - anyone who wishes to purchase his complete collection of sheet music, he'll throw in a free stand....and deliver!!