Bob Monkhouse:

People used to laugh when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied 'Google earth'

It's 20 years (together) for me and Mrs G, in a couple of weeks time, and I've just been thinking back to our first 9 dates, which were 8 meals and a visit to the pictures to see a super hero film. So that's









dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
dinner
batman







I'm REALLY sorry. I've got me coat.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger..
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

The joke here is that you found an Irishman who did not know about golf (or any sport).

God job he wasn't Asian



the accent was all wrong

Strangely, I heard every Irish joke in the years 1965 - 1977 as a "Wiganer ...".

Then in rugby terms, the joke was on us.

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

( i'll get my coat)

A man is up in court for murder. The Judge reads out the charges, "You are accused of beating your wife to death with a hammer'. A voice pipes up from the back, 'What a tw@'. The Judge continues, 'You are also accused of beating your daughter to death with a hammer'. The same voice cries from the back, 'You Effing B*stard'.
The judge, who is not very happy with this beccons the man to the front of court, 'Now I know that this case may be distressing but with outbursts like that I could do you with contempt of court, now explain yourself immediatley'. The man at the back steps up, 'Well your honour, I've lived next door to the accused for the past 20 years and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one'.


I'm here all week.