Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Two boys were kicking a rugby ball around in the park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. As the dog held the boy by the throat the other boy quickly picked up a nearby branch, pushed it through the dog's collar and twisted it until he snapped the dog's neck.

A passing newspaper reporter witnessed the incident and ran to the boys and told them he was going to put the lad's bravery on the front page.
"I see the headline now, 'Leeds fan saves pal' "
"But I'm not a Leeds fan" said the lad.
"How about 'Bulls fan is a hero' "
"But I don't support Bradford either, I'm a KR fan."

The next day the paper ran the headline:
"Hull b------d kills family pet"

I've recently joined an incredibly neat, tidy and fussy Rock tribute band......OC/DC!!

A man who slipped and fell into an upholstery machine is now said to be fully recovered.

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church you daft bugger"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
tommy cooper ... legend

Hi Tim

Cooper really was a genius if he was cracking gags about songs that were only released three years after he'd died...

good spot pal . It was on his list of jokes on the tinternet aswell .

you can tell its a tim joke when the first joke starts with "so i was............"

Zookeeper says to Paddy " the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for £500 ?"
Paddy replies "I will on three conditions, 1st i'm not going to kiss it, 2nd my family must never know and 3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together"

******************

My wife was standing nude in front of the mirror, she was not happy with what she saw and she said to me "I feel horrible, I feel fat and ugly and I really need you to pay me a big compliment"
I replied " Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect"
and that's when the fight started....