Very similar one to Dally, when we were kids one of our gang (no, it wasn't me), went into some bushes to "have a pony" and told us to go collect some dock leaves for him to wipe up with (its why god invented dock leaves), he stood up after he'd finished to wipe his backside and, as you do, had a look backwards to see what sort of a pile he'd left - there was nothing there.

He'd pulled his pants down, crouched down, and s[ihi[/it inside of them.

We were eight years old when that happened and I still haven't forgotten how much it hurt to laugh at that.

Which reminds me of when I was a little kid. Was climbing a tree and hanging from the underside of a branch by the hands and ankles. needed to fart. Let rip but unfortunately it wasmore than a fart - more of a major follow through! Trying to run home in short trousers without letting the crap run and drop out of your trouser legs is an art!

Ah! Zis is zee Englische toilet humour, nein?

But if we're talking about work related incidents, when I left school I worked for an electrical contractors and building sites in the 1970s were just full of daft stories.

Like the time I was doing our final fix survey of a health centre in Armley, it was my job to mark up the circuit diagrams on the architects plans - the health centre was one of the first of its type where several doctors shared the premises, each had an office, a secretary's office and a toilet, the building was a hollowed out square, garden in the middle, doctors offices around all four sides - secretary, doctors office, toilet and then repeat.

With me ?

Each doctors office had a "serving hatch" between them and the secretary's office, except for one.

When I arrived in the room a plumber was standing there with a toilet in his arms ready to fit it to the waste pipe sticking out of the wall, and there was a joiner there who had just cut a square hole in the timber framed wall to install the serving hatch, they were both looking at their own set of plans and arguing about whether or not this was a secretary's office or a toilet, and then all three of us cracked out laughing at the idea that one of the doctors in this practice had a serving hatch in his office that he could open to watch his patients having a crap next door.

as far as I know the joiner fitted the hatch and the plumber fitted the toilet and its probably still the smelliest doctors office in that practice even to this day.

Continuing the toilet humour theme, there was a lad at our uni, that fancied his female housemate for ages, eventually one night they got together after a night out when they were both leathered, he shagged her in her bed, then when he thought she was asleep he let out a silent fart, and followed through with stinky watery diarrhoea, all over her bedsheets.

The best thing about this was beforehands when he'd been talking about trying to get with this girl he lived with we'd all been telling him "bad idea mate, don't s--t where you sleep", how literally he failed to take our advice

A Saturday night out in Bradford!

I was rushed with blue flashing lights from York hospital to Hull Royal Infirmary after I had become paralysed needing an emergency laminectomy to release the compression on the spinal cord, imagine the hilarity three weeks later when we were told I would never walk again because they had operated at the wrong level missing the area of compression by 6 (six) centimetres. I nearly hed myself laughing but I couldn't.

Many years ago I was the last one left in the office on a Friday evening and just about to leave when my boss's phone rings. I answered it and the caller was the CEO (this was a multi-billion £ company). He demanded some data to be in his inbox by 8pm (it was about 6.30pm when he rang). I said "no chance there's nobody else here and I'm off in a minute". Back came the reply "Do you know who I am ?". "Yes" I said "but do you know who I am ?" "No" he said. "Well f**k off then........."

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Working on Sellafield site Geordie, a scaffolder, had a fall and suffered some spinal injuries. As they were putting him in the ambulance his mate came running over shouting at the paramedics to stop as he needed to ask him something urgently. "Geordie" he said "are you alright ?" "No mate" came the reply "I'm in agony". "Well" says his mate "seeing as you're not going to be here.........can I have your sandwiches ?"

Told the one about my Pierre Cardin loafers pinched from my feet as I was fast asleep p!ssed up on the last tube home.

Told the one about my burn damage with my first experience of oven chips, a gas oven, and a Match of the Day goal replay.

I could tell a few about my experiences with various females but I best wait until Big Graeme goes on holiday.

That is so funny

Over the past 8 weeks I've been travelling around America via Greyhound buses. Not the best mode of transport, but it's cheap and the passengers are interesting to say the least. I sat next to one girl and after about 15 minutes of conversation she asked me where I was from. I told her and she couldn't believe it.

She'd never left Texas and had never spoken to a 'non-American' person - not even a Mexican apparently. She then went on a bizarre question and answer session regarding such foods as; Pigs Intestine, Bulls balls, Horses Balls.. the balls of many other farm animals and the insides of other such creatures.. She also asked if England still had the Royal Family and 'which one was on it now?' .. She finally ended the rambling with an explanation why her father was in Jail and she wasn't and that most of her cousins are on probation.

I said about 4 words the whole time she was on this mad verbal rampage. It all went quiet - and then I asked her if she'd ever eaten a cheese and onion pasty. Turns out that's one of the few things she hadn't eaten - never heard of it in fact and couldn't quite grasp cheese with onion, in a pastry.

It was at this point I bowed out of the madness and chatted to a Nigerian fella across the seats about Wigan Rugby League.

We were were in Florida once and this couple started talking to me. They mentioned they'd driven down from Georgia (the adjacent state). They asked where I had come from to which I replied "London, England" to make it easy for them. They then asked "Did you drive?" to which I replied in a matter of fact way "I thought about it but then thought the Atlantic might be a problem, so we flew." They did not see or even remotely suspect any irony.