It's my Scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise, I've put £10 in his nan's purse.

Olympic Update:

Today, the Polish took gold, silver and bronze.

As well as copper, lead, steel and any other scrap metal they could find.

Chinese swimming coach states that results have improved immeasurably since the dismal performances at Morecambe 2004.

Somalia have been chucked out of the olympics, apparently they didn't know sailing and shooting were two different events

Latest results in the yachting
Great Briatain take gold
New Zealand take silver
and the Somalians have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact on the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,



'Oh Mum! You don't have to worry your head about that! I'm dating Susan!'

'kin 'ell!!!!
Yorkshire's won loads of medals at The Olympics, and they've still got chance of another gold in Peter Sutcliffe with the hammer



I'll get me coat

Tell the 1970's I said 'hello'.

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...
... it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.

[i(thanks to Sickipedia)[/i

BREAKING NEWS:

RVP has failed his medical at Man United. Doctors say its a back problem which was caused by carrying Arsenal for the past year

So you can use polish and somali's in a joke but cant use the word pakistani ?

Have go at the Germans or the French.

They are safe. You can insult them as much as you like. Especially the Germans.

Just dont mention the war haha

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

2 tommy cooper classics