they thought the bloke that invented the tv remote had died, but he turned up safe and sound - he was stuck down the back of the sofa.

I heard they revived him by switching the batteries around in his pacemaker and bashing him against the coffee table .

The funeral for the inventor of the Hokey Cokey was delayed by a hour yesterday when the funeral parlour had problems getting him in his coffin. They put his left leg in and thats when the problems started

I know, the old ones are the best

Nice one.

Joey Barton is planning to join a new club this summer. He can't say which one, its first rule is you don't talk about it

Just heard a news flash on the radio, the local hospital is reporting an unusual occurrence in the maternity department. A child has been born with both female and male organs:

a vagina and a brain

Drogba leaving Chelsea has forced redundancies at the club. 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher bearers and their drama teacher have all been released.

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.

I took 2 stuffed dogs onto Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh ' said the presenter 'these are a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?'

'Sticks?', I replied.

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot? Ones an Australian Marsupial the others a Geordie stuck in a lift. 

Mrs G has just told me, she'd rather go on holiday ALONE to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochuchaf, rather than go abroad with me.

I don't know how she can say that.

There where no pedos in my day , No! In my day you had buy you own sweets and ask you mum for a puppy.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:




'Mom...you still awake?'