Why did the scarecrow win the top award?

Because he was the best in his field.




A murderer and a woman are walking through the woods. She stops and says 'Its dark, I'm scared', to which he replies 'Your scared? I've got to find my way back on my own'.

Was that off a lolly stick?

Nah, the lolly stick company rejected it

Testicle Therapy.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

The BBC have just announced that they are not going to show the full funeral of Vidal Sasoon, but will show the highlights

had to go to a mates funeral this afternoon
he died when he was struck on the head with a tennis ball
it was a lovely service

I was browsing the local paper for the football scores. There were some interesting ones in the Musketeer League - all 4-1.....and one 4 all!!

A man went into a shoe shop and bought one boot and one trainer. The store clerk asked why. The man replied 'the weather forecasted one foot of snow'.

Little lad is shagging his sister, he says " you're better than me mam", the little girl replies, " I know, me dad said".

Those long winter evenings in Wigan, eh

they thought the bloke that invented the tv remote had died, but he turned up safe and sound - he was stuck down the back of the sofa.

I heard they revived him by switching the batteries around in his pacemaker and bashing him against the coffee table .

The funeral for the inventor of the Hokey Cokey was delayed by a hour yesterday when the funeral parlour had problems getting him in his coffin. They put his left leg in and thats when the problems started

I know, the old ones are the best

Nice one.

Joey Barton is planning to join a new club this summer. He can't say which one, its first rule is you don't talk about it