TERROR THREAT LEVELS
THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats & have therefore raised there security level from "MIFFED" to "PEEVED". Soon, though levels may be raised yet again to "IRRITATED" or even "A BIT CROSS"
THE ENGLISH have not been "A BIT CROSS" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "TIRESOME" to "A BLOODY NUISANCE". The last time the "BLOODY NUISANCE" warning level was used was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

THE SCOTS have raised there threat level from "PISSED OFF" to "LETS GET THE B@STARDS". They don't have any other levels. This is why they have been used in the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH Government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE". The only two higher levels in France are "COLLABORATE" & "SURRENDER".The rise was precipitated by a recent fire in that destroyed France`s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country`s military.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "SHOUT LOUDLY & EXCITEDLY" to "ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING".Two more levels remain: "INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS" and "CHANGE SIDES".

THE GERMANS have increased there alert state from "DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE" to "DRESS IN UNIFORMS & SING MARCHING SONGS". They also have two higher levels "INVADE A NEIGHBOUR" and "LOSE".

BELGIANS on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual: the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see there new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really close look at the old Spanish Navy.

AUSTRALIA, Meanwhile, has raised its security level from "NO WORRIES" to "SHE`LL BE ALRIGHT MATE" . Two more escalation levels remain: "CRIKEY I THINK WE`LL HAVE TO CANCEL THE BARBIE THIS WEEKEND" and "THE BARBIE'S CANCELLED".So far no situation has ever warranted the final escalation level.

I think you have posted in the wrong thread, this is the Jokes Thread.

Keep the faith Peg. Law of averages. Somebody will post a funny joke on this thread, sometime this year.

Sorry, I forgot the fact that you were the most hilarious person on these boards.

My father was a victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.


I made contact with my ex-wife for the first time in 2 years yesterday. ... Well, it sounds better than slapped.

A very kind acknowledgement. I mean, I don't even know when I'm being funny half the time.

Fair do' s Sibbs, WIZEB always makes the girls laugh. When he drops his trousers!

A Government warning said anyone travelling in snowy/icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, a 24hr supply of food and drinks, de-icer, rock salt, a torch, spare batteries, a safety triangle, tow rope, jump leads, spare fuel can, first aid kit, and Hi-viz clothing.


I looked a right fool on the bus this morning!!

BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?

Top man Cronus

Conjunctivitus.com

Now there’s a site for sore eyes

Premature ejaculator seeks tall , blonde , tanned , curvaceous...

ooops.. Too late . It doesn't matter now .

Hi Tim