I was the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway she's now made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life.

All I got for christmas was a grain of rice, just a grain of rice, I said thanks uncle ben.

Mrs Goldblatt has just come back from shopping with a Scouse Advent calander

when we opened it up, all the windows were boarded up, and some fecker's nicked all the chocolate

Milton Jones!

Man walks in to a chip shop and says can I have a steak and kidley pie please.

Server says don't you mean a steak and kidney pie?

Man says - that's what I said diddle I?

BOOM - BOOM!!!

Jimmy Saville's last wish was to be buried in the Delorian car from Back to the Future with the date to be set to fluctuate repeatedly between today and yesterday - the dial was set to `now then' `now then' `now then'

Fatima Whitbread, king of the jungle

Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs! I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year?

After becoming depressed me and my wife planned a joint suicide. However strangely once she had killed herself things started looking up.

I was about to buy a "Blue Peter" advent calendar.... Then i remembered i had made one earlier.

With Chelsea only needing a 0-0 draw to progress to the next round of europe. Fernando Torres is expected to start.

I saw an advert in the paper yesterday, "Yacht for sale" As if people don't know what a yacht's for.

"I hope Santa gets me a nice new diamond bracelet for Christmas," my wife said, winking at me.
I said, "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you love. I don't think he exists."

I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'.
I dodged into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep.    

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and trap.
"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

What goes clop clop clop clop - BANG BANG - clopclopclopclopclopclop.....??








An Amish 'drive-by'!!